Friday, December 14, 2018

The A.M. Radio Station Lets Us Down - a really bad rhyming couplet

Lawrence Hall

The A.M. Radio Station Lets Us Down

Their revenue stream must be falling bad -
Yet another erectile dysfunction ad

Thursday, December 13, 2018

Drunks and Screamers and Louts - weekly column

Lawrence Hall, HSG

Drunks and Screamers and Louts (oh, my)

If there are any stockings hung by the chimney with care in the Oval Office, they were surely blown askew last week by the circular temper-tantrums of the President, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. A life-like statue of harmless Vice-President Michael Pence was also present.

If junior high school students were to misbehave as badly as the leaders of the Republic they would be sent to the assistant principal’s office for a reprimand.

The statue of the vice-president, however, would be taken for the new mascot and draped with a toboggan cap and scarf in school colors.

The cranky old people who reign and rule over us can also nyah-nyah at each other while high in the sky:

The presidential aircraft fleet includes (but is not limited to) two BUFF modified Boeing 747s. There is also a number of helicopters crewed and served by some 800 – yes, 800 – Marines (

The vice-president has access to two modified Boeing 757s so that the president can say that his is bigger.

The Speaker of the House enjoys, by presidential fiat after 9.11.2001, access to military jets for himself or herself, staff, and family. The once and future Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, is well known for her sense of aviation privilege.

The Speaker of the House does not rate a government aircraft, only free rides on commercial aircraft. The current speaker once indulged in the house privilege of calling a flight attendance a b**** ( for asking him to turn his me-phone off as if he were one of (harrumph) The People.

Officials of the Justice Department and other functionaries also enjoy access to luxury aircraft at your expense (

Generals and admirals, too, can snap their fingers (or at least their office phones) and summon planes and helicopters for themselves, their families, and their special friends (, (, and (

When commercial flying became popular in the 1950s and 1960s air travel long remained an occasion of decorum – men wore coats and ties, women wore dresses, gloves, and hats, and courtesy was a given.

Flying now is like being shoved into an old bus crowded with drunks and louts and screaming children. Given that Proletarian reality, government officials ought to give up the luxury aircraft and join us in cattle class – they’d fit right in with the other drunks and louts and screamers, and it would help the national budget.


Every Real American Boy Needs (That Rifle) - poem

Lawrence Hall

Every Real American Boy Needs (That Rifle)

“You Can Tell It’s Mattel It’s Swell (tm)” 1

-A toymaker’s slogan applied to (That Rifle) in the 1960s

(That Rifle) often fires when it should not
Its chosen function is usually to jam
But, da®n, it’s black and sexy and hot -
Blows off testosterone when it goes Bam-Bam

And when it discharges, so does its owner
A little bullet from a little spout
With his stud piece, no longer a loner -
True love from each basement dweller and lout

Maybe it makes guys feel all hunky-hunk -
Well, they are welcome to that piece of junk

1 Mattel has never had any connection with the manufacture of weapons.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Nuestra Senora de Guadalupe, Alcoholics Anonymous, and the American Legion - poem

Lawrence Hall

Nuestra Senora de Guadalupe,
Alcoholics Anonymous, and the American Legion

The American Legion meets in the parish hall
Third Tuesday every month (missed you last time)
Old men in funny hats saluting the flag
And then again re-living AIT

Their perimeter shrinks as children rehearse
Their songs and dances for tomorrow night
In honor of Nuestra Senora -
With Juan Diego’s tilma She blesses the Americas

In a classroom across the way the AA
Are fighting their dragons as manfully
As good Saint George, and so in very truth
They are fighting dragons for all of us

This is Our Lady’s cocina, open to all:
Everybody meets in the parish hall

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

The Last Day - And Now, Unemployment

Lawrence Hall

The Last Day - And Now, Unemployment

Not much longer now before we and Keats
Must pack up all our impedimenta
Into a photocopier paper box
And after a Wal-Mart-cake reception – leave

No one will notice us, and that’s okay
Thomas and Frost will meet us with the car
Greene will suggest that we go for a drink
The designated driver might be Shakespeare

With Fermor beside him reading the map
Guareschi and Wodehouse laughing in the back
Lewis and Chesterton will bring the beer
And Leonard Cohen will adjust his hat

In God’s name we will sit under the apple trees
And tell merry tales of the lives of kings

     And whether we shall meet again I know not.
     Therefore our everlasting farewell take:
     For ever, and for ever, farewell…
     If we do meet again, why, we shall smile;
     If not, why, then, this parting was well made.

       -Julius Caesar V.1.115-119
After a year of rumors and contradictory bits of information, the once-busy satellite campus of my community college surrendered the buildings today.
A commitment among several institutions requires me to haunt the mostly empty halls (like Marley's Ghost) for the spring to finish teaching classes, but for the staff, a casual dismissal into unemployment now.
The Psalmist tells us not to put our trust in princes; I would add "...or in elected bodies."

Monday, December 10, 2018

Harney & Sons Logo Teacup $9.95 - rhyming Couplet

Lawrence Hall

Harney & Sons Logo Teacup $9.95

I love few things better than a cup of tea
But with that advert – shouldn’t they pay me?

Sunday, December 9, 2018

"We Are Pregnant!" - a rhyming couplet

Lawrence Hall

"We Are Pregnant!"

“We are pregnant!” the husband happily cried
“No, we are not,” the tired wife knowingly sighed

Saturday, December 8, 2018

Autumn Night Across the Border Wire - poem

Lawrence Hall

Autumn Night Across the Border Wire


How wonderful to sleep in a soft, warm bed
Beneath a roof against the blowing night
Of wind and rain rattling each window pane
As winter falls upon this weary world

The busy-ness of day is all complete
I wind the clock and so unwind myself
My little dog burrows toward my feet
Contented with her life, with warmth, with me

And now a few more pages to be read -
How wonderful to sleep in a soft, warm bed

V: Deo gratias


But good enough to sleep in an old, worn bag
Beneath a tarp against the blowing night
Of wind and rain rattling the plastic flaps
As winter falls upon the weary world

The emptiness of day is incomplete
And bigger guys stole my cheap Timex watch
Now slithering rats burrow toward my feet
And bite to see if they can feast on me

Another night to be drained and bled
I remember - long ago – sleeping in a bed

R: Your Deo gratias ain’t much help