Thursday, May 12, 2016

Oh, the Places You Won't Go! - column

Mack Hall, HSG

Oh, the Places You Won’t Go!

A wrecker driver is reported – it was on the InterGossip, so it must be true, right? - to have abandoned a woman whose car was broken down. The reason given was that he didn’t approve of the political bumper sticker on the car.

He also credited a higher power for his decision: "Something came over me, I think the Lord came to me, and he just said get in the truck and leave” (

But let’s be fair – the cad didn’t say which lord.

You know, not even John Wayne was John Wayne – as a perfectly healthy young man he somehow managed to dodge his military obligation, just like Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders, and never served in other ways, such as a volunteer firefighter, auxiliary police officer, or in some other civil defense capacity. Even so, a man is obligated, in spite of all ideologies and fashions and bumper stickers, to be protective of women and children. If the story is true, the wrecker driver left a woman alone in a disabled car on a rural highway.

That man’s momma needs to have a talk with him. He should listen to her - and to a different Lord.

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Every election cycle famous people threaten to deprive the Republic of their special wonderfulness and go to Canada if Candidate X is elected. Alas that they never go.

But then there is this: has Canada invited them? Threatening to emigrate to another nation as an expression of hissy-fit-ness is like a child threatening to go live with the neighbors if he doesn’t get a Wham-O Nuclear Missile Playset for Christmas.

Canada, unlike some nations, has border controls. If Canada doesn’t want you, you don’t go there. When you approach the border a nice man or woman chit-chats with you while scanning your passport, and if the computer reports any crimes, including even a DWI from forty years ago (, the border services will nicely advise you that you are permitted to view Niagara Falls from the American side.

Our border agency, sadly, allowed Canadian Justin Bieber in. Well, maybe J.B. doesn’t like the new prime minister. Or he could be a refugee.

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Imagine how much happier the world would be if there were no graduation speakers other than the valedictorian and salutatorian. And they would be denied their diplomas if they talked for more than five minutes.

During graduation speeches all guests should be given a pencil and a checklist of clichés, maybe as a Bingo card:

“Education is the key that unlocks…”

“We are the future.”

“My Webster’s defines ‘commencement’ as…”

“This is not the end; this is the beginning.”

“Follow your dreams.”

“Follow your passion.”

“Make a difference.”

“As we stand on the threshold of…”

“As we go forth…”

“The torch has been passed…”

“If you can imagine it, you can achieve it…”

“Education is not a destination but a journey.”

“We’ve been through some amazing times together.”

Whoever checks off the most cliches’ wins a copy of Oh, the Places You’ll Go!


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