Sunday, August 9, 2015

Secret Stuff the Presidential Candidates Will Not Say

Lawrence Hall

Secret Stuff the Presidential Candidates Will Not Say

Governor Perry – “Every American should be free to conceal-carry a carton of Blue Bell in church or in a cinema.”

Senator Sanders – “Free love! Free Blue Bell for the masses! In Commie-Red flavors! Us old hippies rock.”

Donald “The Hair” Trump – “All the problems in America are caused by illegal Ben and Jerry’s ice cream swarming across our sacred borders! And Governor Perry looks professional in his new eyeglasses. And, okay, let the veterans have some Blue Bell. And the little cracker.”

Governor O’Malley – “Sure, faith ‘n’ begorrah, just what American needs, meself, another faux Irishperson who wouldn’t know Guinness from Pim’s Ale. Like, sure, I was in an Irish band, sure, only not in Ireland, sure. When I’m elected Taioseach the ice cream will be Green Bell, not Blue Bell, sure. But all ice cream matters! Wait…maybe not…”

Governor Christie – “We’re gonna make Blue Bell an offer it can’t refuse. Otherwise, I gotta bridge with Blue Bell’s name on it. But please tell me more; I want to listen to different points of view.”

Senator Webb – “Blue Bell and the Marines – Semper Fi all the way!”

Governor / Reverend Huckabee - “I’m a-pickin’ and I’m a-grinnin’ with my hillbilly band and my Blue Bell.”

Governor Thompson – “Blue Bell is on strike. I don’t like that.”

Senator Cruz – “Okay, I don’t know if I’m Catholic, Baptist, Cuban, American, or Canadian, but I know I’m a Blue Bell. Or whatever Daddy says this week.”

Senator Paul – “Me too.”

Senator / Secretary Clinton – “Blue Bell!? Ben and Jerry’s!? WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE!?!?!?!?!?”

Senator Rubio – “You know, as a people of faith we can come together over Blue Bell, Hagen-Daz, or Ben and Jerry’s, because, really, it’s all pretty much the same. Just as long as we all like ice-cream.”

Governor Jindal – “I like the alligator-flavored Blue Bell.”

Shawna Sterling – “No GMOs in Blue Bell!”

Senator Rubio – “Blue Bell in Margaritaville!”

Governor Bush – “Open borders for Blue Bell!”

Senator Graham – “Blue Bell, y’all.”

Carly Fiorina – “In my spreadsheets Blue Bell adds up. Most of the time.”

Dr. Carson – “I prescribe Blue Bell for all my patients.”

Governor Kasich – “If you like your Blue Bell, you can keep your Blue Bell. Maybe. Kinda. Sorta.”

Y’know, we don’t have any Blue Bell ice cream in this country just now but we sure have a stockyard full of mooing presidential candidates. Things’ll be better when Blue Bell is back.


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