Ten Things You Won’t Hear on New Year’s
- Stay up until midnight? Why?
- I’m not making any new year’s resolutions because I don’t need to; last year’s resolutions worked out so well.
- We never watch professional football; there’s something un-American about watching millionaires in body armor beat each other up in taxpayer-funded stadia.
- Hollywood gave the world such great films last year that I’m hoping they maintain their momentum in artistic quality this year.
- On New Year’s we stay up late, almost until nine, playing chess.
- No champagne for me, thanks.
- Why would anyone spend the first day of the new year watching a network’s morning show b-team over-narrate a parade somewhere in Ohio?
- In the new fiscal year my company will be booking most of its travel with one of those new Asian airlines. Hey, they’re the future, right?
- Blackeyed peas and cabbage? You’re going to put that stuff in your mouth? How is that lucky? Is there a blackeyed-pea-and-cabbage fairy?
- Lift your glasses, everyone; I propose a toast to Kim Jong Un and Sony – a marriage made in, well, somewhere.